Fruitcake, Nuts, and Psychiatrists
Tucson Holds Fruitcake And Nuts Party
Special from Joe the Philosopher
A "Bring Your Own Fruitcake, Nuts and Cracker Jacks" Tea Party, sponsored by Faux News, was held last Saturday night at Tucson Electric Park, drawing right-wing candidates, fascist corporate shills, and uneducated dimwits who said they were there because of "freedom" and being "tired of big government trying to run my life”... the same claims made by incarcerated mental patients across the street. The surly crowd was estimated at about 5 thousand.
Former Rep. and now talk-show host, J.D. Hayworth, a known Arizona whacho, showed up to push his idea that the Mexican/American border be closed. Mr. Hayworth has made a fortune building tunnels all over Arizona. J.D. denied he was trying to make John McCain look like a saint.
People threw cheese when Wisconsin talk-show host James Harris took the microphone. Harris was honest enough to admit that he had no idea why people were there. After getting 186 different answers, he knew he had a crowd of suckers in his hand and pitched them his theory of inter-dimensional space, and how to escape it for only $14.95.
The crowd grew restless when Joe the Philosopher showed up and started making rude remarks. From experience, Joe knew that Republicans will gladly take anything free as long as it is not advice. As you would expect, Joe emphasized the need for all of them to get an education, and many in the crowd responded with inappropriate anger. The crowd tried to belittle Joe, shouting "I bet we all make more money than you!" Those who were there because they lost their jobs were confused, but they played along anyway because they felt stupid for being there to begin with.
"I came for the free hand-outs and hot-dogs," one attendee admitted, who wore a "Tulsa or Bust" sign around his neck. His right hand was locked in a permanent hitch-hike position.
Tucson Tea Party organizer Trent Humphries spoke and expressed his own brand of hope for the future: "I love the smell of freedom in the morning,"
he said, not noticing the cow dung he was standing in. Trent had to leave early because of the curfew at his mental hospital.
The crowd exchanged phone numbers and promised to get together again. "Next time we'll hold a 20-kegger," the host promised the disgruntled, thirsty crowd. “I’m sorry we ran out of lemonade.”
After distributing information about how to receive psychiatric counseling, Joe drove away, giving them the high sign.
Psychiatrists Make Big Breakthrough
by Joe the Philosopher Reprinted from Psycho Weekly
Identifying true psychotic personalities has long been a challenger for the practicing psychiatrist, but today the American Institute of Professional Psychiatrists announced that it had solved the problem.
“We've been able to identify numerous psychotic personalities, but it usually took a lot a work...not to mention money," said their head spokesman. "Now we have a simple and instant method of identifying psychotic personalities."
"We've determined that anyone who watches or listens to Glenn Beck is a lock for Section 8. To our amazement, we discovered that all, I mean ALL psychotics admire him."
Section 8 is a term used by World War II vets that means "nut-job."
The spokesman admitted that he enjoyed using colorful expressions with his own patients, but regretted he didn't use the clinical term "severe personality disorder" or "fried brains," a French expression, instead of “nut-job.”
When Glenn Beck was informed of the announcement by the Psychiatric Institute, he said he was flattered, but didn't understand what all the fuss was about.
"I've never denied being a psycho," he said. "Rupert Murdoch loves psychos and he pays me a lot. I think he sees a little bit of himself in me."
The Institute is considering renaming the term "psychotic" as the "Glenn Beck Syndrome."
Glenn Beck understands the anguish of mental illness